superuser: (spider eyes)
[personal profile] superuser
sometimes i feel too delicate to even be around people

i get so scared of getting attached to them or getting them attached to me

i dunno why but people getting really attached to me or expressing interest in me makes me so anxious

i mean, i like/crave/want attention and affection, obviously, but whenever someone actually GIVES it the pit of my stomach just drops out

a good example of this is with my smut rp habits

i rped some pretty crazy stuff with total and complete strangers on tapes, and that was easy because they approached me, we did one scene and then never talked to each other again

i actually got really uncomfortable if they started talking to me multiple times

being totally anonymous let me shelf most of my anxieties, i guess, but i was terrified of anyone finding out or wanting to find out anything about 'me'

i can do regular rp (and it can even evolve into smut rp) with people i know in a group setting, but it gets really awkward to do it one on one or in private

i don't know why i feel like i have to constantly hide from everyone. i mean, i probably SEEM pretty open on my tumblr or whatever, and it's easy for me to talk about my history or angst or whatever, i just don't like to do things one on one because it feels like i'm imposing or something

i really don't know why it makes me so scared for people to like me, because i get so fricken hurt so easily when specific people i get attached to DON'T seem to like me or want me around as much as i want them

i guess that sums up a lot about my anxiety. i can go up and give a presentation in front of a group without much of a problem, it's talking one on one that makes me shit my pants
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superuser | jas

September 2014

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