(no subject)

i tried going to bed early last night and i still ended up sleeping way in (i meant to wake up at 8, couldn't get out of bed until 11)

i only have a few more weeks till my unemployment runs out

i owe about $2500 on my credit card (most of that was from the last semester of community college, which was a glorious fuckin trainwreck, lol)

i have more than enough money at the moment to keep making minimum payments for a long time, so there's no emergency, but eh.

i know i need to swallow my terror and just fuckin find a job, get out of this damn house and start trying to feel human again, get money so i can get help and shit

i don't know if there are any kind of meds i can take for sheer existential anxiety or the kind of anxiety i get just being out in public and feeling like something grotesque. with the way i enjoy monsters and horror you'd think i could embrace that, but the truth is, i'd much rather be something monstrous than a joke.

and trying to find work, it's like, i either have the terror of actually getting a job that i know i can't do (any job, because i know i can't do anything) or facing endless rejection. i thought about trying to volunteer, but even that requires filling out applications and providing references. i don't have any references.

i just don't know how to re-enter society. how to pretend at being useful and employable when i know i'm not.