food stuff

Sep. 17th, 2014 12:41 pm
superuser: (shyguy)
posting this here because i don't dare open tumblr at work lol

stuff i've done lately that i'm trying to be proud of

* i managed to quit soda after being neigh-addicted to diet dr pepper for *years*. i don't really know how i did it, i just took a week long break from caffeine and now whenever i drink diet soda it tastes kind of nasty. i still get it every so often, but there's not that constant craving for it, and carbonated water in a can hits that craving pretty good now.

* on that same note i think i've mostly got myself off of coffee except when i need it in an emergency to wake me up. i used to drink it all the time, especially when i was working (i bought like a 4 buck iced latte at lenovo basically every DAY since there was a coffee shop on the ground floor). this is part of my larger goal to get more off of caffiene but also because the lattes usually made me sick (i can't usually drink it black, im a weeno. though i was able to drink a cold brew brand from a glass bottle)

* i had a small problem with fruit juice too - again, at lenovo they sold those naked fruit juice things downstairs and they were really good. but idk, now even just plain orange juice tastes TOO sweet to me beyond just like taking a swig, and i'd rather just eat an orange

now i'm mostly drinking tea thanks to ari sending me a ton of it to try out. i could never get into tea when i had it in those bland little packets sold at walmart, but the higher quality stuff has enough taste for me and i'm interested in trying more. and i'm drinking it black, without any sugar or honey or milk. it's still caffeine, so i try to drink only herbal 'tea' towards the end of the day and i'd probably be okay switching primarily to herbal, since i like it better than black/green/mate.

the other reason i can drink tea is because the watercooler at work has an awesome hot water dispenser that means i don't have to wait or do any set up. i just fill my tea ball half way, then fill my mug halfway with hot water, let it sit a while, then top it off with cold water so i don't get burned (another reason i can't get into h most tea/black coffee: i hate hot beverages)

i'm trying to get behind the mentality of why/how i eat. i honestly don't think, day to day, i do that badly. i don't snack a lot or eat a lot of sweets, i almost never eat red meat, etc. but i do end up eating a lot of pasta (because it's cheap) and grabbing fast food because i'm an idiot and i get to the point where i'm starving and completely sapped of willpower. and i can be weak for ice cream, even though it makes me sick lol. so i figured out these strategies and scribbled them down into evernote:

Eating right takes WILLPOWER.

WILLPOWER is a finite resource drained by

Depression and fatigue

To solve HUNGER:

Eat a big, protracted breakfast in the morning. An apple, banana, bag of nuts, energy bar, etc on the drive to work or at your desk.

Have snacks available. Small indulgences can prevent a huge binge later. Nuts, fruit, granola, yogurt, etc.

That way you won't be starving at lunch, can also take a later lunch.

Later lunch means you won't be starving when you get off work for dinner. Same with the snacks.

Find healthy/relatively nonprocessed food you ENJOY eating. If it doesn't have to be cooked, even better. I like:

-Mixed nuts or almonds
-Raw Broccoli, carrots, cauliflower + some kind of dip that won't kill me
-Hardboiled eggs
-Deli meat
-Canned tuna (this is stretching the 'nonprocessed' notion, but)
-Fresh oranges, pineapple and watermelon are really good but a huge pita to prepare/eat without making a mess
-Relatively healthy granola mix, raw without milk might not be a bad idea
-Cottage cheese (again, 'nonprocessed'.. idk, but it might make a good yogurt substitute to mix with the granola. it and kefir don't make me sick, every other yogurty/milky thing seems to, except hard cheeses. even soy and almond milk seem to have this effect, probably psychosomatic or something)

-Replace (added) salt with pepper where possible
-Replace sandwich cheese, dip, ranch, dressing, etc with avacado/low sodium guac, which i might have to make myself. maybe with mrs dash instead
-Nuts/healthy granola instead of energy/fiber/candybars
-Tea instead of soda/coffee (mostly accomplished)
-Cut way back on bread (hard when i eat so many sandwiches lol ;_;)


Make/assemble as many breakfast components as possible the night before.

Bring lunch or write down exactly what you're going to get if you eat out (eg write down what sandwich you're going to get at subway, look at a restaurants menu before you're hungry, etc). Bring the list with you and read off of it if necessary.

Pit your bad habits against each other. EG: To prevent myself from going out at night to grab fast food, (once I have my own place) I could take a shower and change into pajamas as soon as I get home. Then I'm too lazy to get it all back on.

Shopping lists are essential for grocery shopping. If it's not in the list I have to think to myself: am I going to be happier or feel better about myself AFTER eating this entire thing by myself?
superuser: (Default)
i tried going to bed early last night and i still ended up sleeping way in (i meant to wake up at 8, couldn't get out of bed until 11)

i only have a few more weeks till my unemployment runs out

i owe about $2500 on my credit card (most of that was from the last semester of community college, which was a glorious fuckin trainwreck, lol)

i have more than enough money at the moment to keep making minimum payments for a long time, so there's no emergency, but eh.

i know i need to swallow my terror and just fuckin find a job, get out of this damn house and start trying to feel human again, get money so i can get help and shit

i don't know if there are any kind of meds i can take for sheer existential anxiety or the kind of anxiety i get just being out in public and feeling like something grotesque. with the way i enjoy monsters and horror you'd think i could embrace that, but the truth is, i'd much rather be something monstrous than a joke.

and trying to find work, it's like, i either have the terror of actually getting a job that i know i can't do (any job, because i know i can't do anything) or facing endless rejection. i thought about trying to volunteer, but even that requires filling out applications and providing references. i don't have any references.

i just don't know how to re-enter society. how to pretend at being useful and employable when i know i'm not.
superuser: (Default)
i'm trying to use this journal for complaining now since i feel embarrassed just putting it out on tumblr nowadays

i came to a conclusion recently.

the crux of my problem is that i'm honestly terrified of the prospect of being employed again. i just keep getting flashbacks to all my previous jobs, which were all so sickeningly awful that i regularly had breakdowns in the bathroom. in part because of my own brokenness, and the job/boss/conditions/whatever itself being terrible and insane.

that, and i was always so miserable and lonely since i lived alone and had no friends/contacts/anything. i ended up looking forward to seeing my parents again just to have people around.

in a lot of ways all that seemed more hellish than just living here in the hoard with my abusers. they seemed like the only people who would ever accept/tolerate me irl. they are the devil i know very well and the rest of the world seems like a different hell i can't handle.

so i can barely motivate myself to try to do school or learn anything, if it's all in the service of pursuing a nightmare.

so my future seems like a choice between two different kinds of misery. the one i'm in now is easier than the other, but it also makes it prohibitively difficult for me to get any kind of help (i'm terrified of the idea of my parents finding out i want to find a doctor or a therapist or anything).

the other choice is active agony rather than passive despair but it's the only way i'd be really able to go get help safely, go volunteer anywhere.. idk.

i don't know why i'm so scared or worried about what my parents think.

i don't know why i'm so utterly convinced any job i could possibly get will be as fuck awful terrible as my last three jobs were. i don't even apply to jobs anymore, not out of the fear that i won't get it, but out of fear that i will. i'm scared to even apply to retail places because at least my cushy white collar jobs were lax enough that they let me go have an aneurysm in the bathroom if i was at the end of my rope.

the only job i had that didn't give me this crushing sense of being overwhelmed and undeserving of it was my very, very first job, a two week stint i had at a cabinet shop my dad worked at. it was bitterly cold and i coughed up blood and sawdust at the end of every day but at least i always had something to do and the tasks were simple and obvious enough that i felt a sense of progress and accomplishment. i could just sit and listen to my mp3 player all day and sand wood. it was kind of cathartic

and i had enough trouble dealing with the same coworkers i saw every day, i don't know if i could survive dealing with tons of strangers constantly under a lot of pressure (ie any given retail/fast food position).

sometimes i wonder if i could get a job cleaning stuff since that always calms me down. some kind of really mind-numbing manual labor.

i can almost start to hope i could have a job that i didn't dread to the very seat of my soul if i think of doing something with nonprofits, or helping people somehow, or maybe teaching or academia. i'll never give a fuck about programming or computer science for its own end. i don't want to do enterprise shit and i don't want to work for fucking startups. but making technology to help make people's lives better or preserve/share knowledge has an appeal.

i wanted to do volunteering since the bar of expectations is relatively low and i wouldn't have the dilemma of worrying whether or not i 'deserved' it.

sometimes i fantasize about being on disability or something and being able to live away from my parents and spend time volunteering and going to therapy as often as i needed until i felt like i was sane enough to rejoin the world, maybe doing online college

but that really just seems like a fantasy

edit: looking at how disability works, yeah, they'd probably just use any volunteering i did as proof i 'could' work. sigh. it's hard enough for people with real conditions to get disability
superuser: (Default)
i'm really frustrated lately

mostly by myself

in fact almost entirely by myself

i've wasted $99 on this do-at-your-own-pace online course thing which i have to pay access to, monthly

the first month has passed without me doing shit but buying the books

then out of the blue one of my old clients asked me to do a job for him and i, stupidly, agreed a week ago and haven't done much at all towards it (and he's one of those people that expects everything yesterday, so i'm sure my inbox is full of mad emails from him even tho i never take payment up front, so i'm not even looking at it)

i just can't do it

i just can't do anything

i feel like i'll never be able to work or have my own life again

i'll just waste time playing games and drawing and writing things no one'll ever give a fuck about to escape

my parents will eventually die and i'll inherit this filth and i guess at that point i kill myself

that's my plan for the future

i'll never meet anyone, never make any friends, never have a family, never even move out
superuser: (Default)
things i need to do (posting here so i don't lose it)
  • call 540-489-7500 to register with the free clinic. i have my tax info and proof of residency. make an appointment
  • when i go, get a new prescription for my allergy meds, and a referral to see someone about depression/anxiety/adhd
  • get quotes from some different car insurance places because geico's fuckin ridiculous
  • redo my resume, submit it to a bunch of local temp agencies in rocky mount, martinsville, roanoke
  • make, start from a template, write content
  • design a few faux sites for portfolio
    • small press + some fake book covers
    • comic book store
    • generic labcorp-y site
    • dog kennel
    • pest control 
i'm really, really torn about trying to go to school full time or work again. if i do go to school, i want to go full time, in person, which would make having any kind of job really difficult unless i can manage to crack the whip on myself and do freelance again. honestly, in  a lot of ways freelance works out best for me, but.. i'm so lazy, undisciplined and unfocused it's really hard for me to work in an unstructured way.. sigh

i wanna become the 'designer + developer" everyone seems to want, which means i mostly need to focus on  being able to do design on demand and not angsting over it for ages, getting decent with front end javascript, and getting deeper into wordpress, php and ruby (nothing fancy, just dumb basic stuff) 

i'd also kind of like to move away from development all together and get into more IT stuff maybe.. i dunno, it seems less stressful 

i dunno if i can support myself on freelancing while trying to get all my certs and crap tho. i'd like to get a part time IT job somewhere that's willing to let me learn the ropes, but around here that's kind of a laughable idea

superuser: (spider eyes)
sometimes i feel too delicate to even be around people

i get so scared of getting attached to them or getting them attached to me

i dunno why but people getting really attached to me or expressing interest in me makes me so anxious

i mean, i like/crave/want attention and affection, obviously, but whenever someone actually GIVES it the pit of my stomach just drops out

a good example of this is with my smut rp habits

i rped some pretty crazy stuff with total and complete strangers on tapes, and that was easy because they approached me, we did one scene and then never talked to each other again

i actually got really uncomfortable if they started talking to me multiple times

being totally anonymous let me shelf most of my anxieties, i guess, but i was terrified of anyone finding out or wanting to find out anything about 'me'

i can do regular rp (and it can even evolve into smut rp) with people i know in a group setting, but it gets really awkward to do it one on one or in private

i don't know why i feel like i have to constantly hide from everyone. i mean, i probably SEEM pretty open on my tumblr or whatever, and it's easy for me to talk about my history or angst or whatever, i just don't like to do things one on one because it feels like i'm imposing or something

i really don't know why it makes me so scared for people to like me, because i get so fricken hurt so easily when specific people i get attached to DON'T seem to like me or want me around as much as i want them

i guess that sums up a lot about my anxiety. i can go up and give a presentation in front of a group without much of a problem, it's talking one on one that makes me shit my pants
superuser: from doom (angryhead)
wow hey i almost never use this anymore

i guess tumblr just seems easier most of the time and i like the attention so i usually just post over there

weird thing: i've been off all my meds for about a week and i feel surprisingly okay

i've been taking allergy meds for a long time.. like.. about a half a year to a year now? and they do work wonders for my perpetually stuffy/runny nose (i have no idea what i'm allergic to), but they've made my depression fucking awful. it's like, a real chemical depression now, when i can feel relatively okay but still not have any goddamn energy or motivation or anything, and it's been so bad i've basically blown off this entire semester + all my freelance work (i mean i told my clients to go somewhere else because i couldn't take it anymore) etc

the thought of even trying to get a job makes me sick and i hate how much of a whiny manchild i feel like because of that

as for my prozac.. i'm about out of that anyway with no way to get a refill in the foreseeable future :/

the weird thing is i don't really /want/ anything anymore. i'm pretty content to just spin my wheels and waste my time, which seems like a bad thing but considering i've spent so long only being able to look forward to something in the future that never ended up happening anyway it's kind of nice. it's kind of a fucken relief to just live day to day not really doing anything. but i worry that's some persistent form of depression talking since i should probably, idk, want to move out or better myself or something. i'm just relatively content with things at the moment and i hate to begrudge that of myself
superuser: (Default)
So what categorizes an animal as a male or a female? The most basic biological definition for each sex comes down to the gametes, or sex cells, that an animal produces. Males produce small, mobile gametes in large quantities (sperm), while females produce smaller numbers of large, stationary gametes that are nutrient-rich (eggs). The exception here, of course, is infertile individuals. However, these are the best universal definitions of “maleness” and “femaleness” that science can come up with.
superuser: (eversion)
honestly just posting to use this icon because i love it

i made it myself from a sprite sheet i found

it's from eversion btw

weird little platformer

i'm kinda moody about dumb stuff lately, mostly just lonely + wishing i could draw
superuser: (Default)
i really enjoyed my trip to see kaiya a lot u_u

we spent a lot of it just hanging around and eating at american fast food places lol

i helped her pick out a computer and we went to go visit a museum and a bigass cathedral

i already
miss her and want to make plans to meet again for xmas haha <:{

traveling internationally was a bit intimidating since i haven't traveled much at all, but i think i know how to do it now and how to pack/what to bring

i saw waaaaaaaay more of dulles and frankfurt airport than i wanted to thanks to delays e_e

and the trip over was nightmarish, with lufthansa managing to fuck up every single leg of my trip

never ever use them

i flew back via united and it was way better, the seat on the intl flight was a lot roomier and there were a lot more movies to pick from

i feel a lot better about a lot of things, though i'm not happy to be back at work, whine

i have a lot of feels about work and the future and shit but i just feel tired every time i try to write them down, so meh


superuser: (Default)
superuser | jas

September 2014

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